“Oh Lord, my God
When I in awesome wonder consider all the works thy hand hath made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed;
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee,
How great thou art! How great thou art!”
A few years ago my little girl and I were making our way down our driveway to retrieve the daily mail. My daughter was still learning to walk, but because she’s MY child, pulled away from me because she could “do it by huh-self”. About halfway down, she wobbled and, without looking up, just reached up for my hand. This was such a small moment, but it knocked the wind out of me emotionally. My little girl didn’t check to see if Mama was there. She didn’t question whether or not I would keep her safe. She just TRUSTED I’d be there for her.
At the time, I had recently totaled our car in an accident that came about during a moment of MS brain fog. The other drivers I’d caused damage to all wanted the max amount allowed per incident from our insurance policy. (Yes, plural driverS. I rear ended the last of three vehicles at a stop sign.) Because of this, our agent warned, it was possible that any of the three parties could decline a settlement and instead sue us. More important to me though, my baby had been in the car when I crashed. She wasn’t hurt, but her life was more precious to me than my pride or freedom. I decided to surrender my license because after 10+ accidents, I couldn’t in good conscience continue driving.
I had also just been denied disability for the first time.
That was the hardest year of my life. I’d nearly lost my daughter and had caused our family financial hardship. Because of my illness, my husband now carried the stress of possibly losing our business and all that he had worked so many years to build. The guilt and fear, combined with my own grief over relinquishing my freedom, loomed over my soul every minute of every day. Every night, I relived that final, fateful drive. I couldn’t sleep without nightmares filled with the smell of burnt tires and airbag dust, and the sound of my daughter’s terrified cries in her carseat behind me. Every day, my thoughts overflowed with self-accusations and the frustration that no matter how broken I truly was, our government had deemed me not broken ENOUGH to help. When my therapist reminded me of the scripture in Psalms 139:14 that reads “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:”, I appreciated the sentiment but felt as though it didn’t REALLY apply to me. I had caused too much pain to others for me to deserve those words.
In all of this, my baby girl was my one bright light. My wonderful, patient, loving husband was and still is my best friend, but in those months it was difficult to not feel guilty and inadequate as a wife and mother when I looked at him. I still felt similarly not-enough around our daughter but her constant bright smile and cuddles were a balm to my tattered self esteem. On that afternoon walk to the mailbox, my little girl reminded me what childlike faith truly is. She never doubted. She didn’t debate if she was worthy of my love. She simply reached for me KNOWING I was there for her. I didn’t magically shed my fears or my self-doubt but I could see a little bit of hopeful light. I didn’t need to deserve God’s help – All I needed was to reach up with the faith of a child.
“Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting. Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honour and glory for ever and ever. Amen” – I Timothy 1:16-17
Creating Peace From the Pieces 